A Mother’s Love

A mother fights for a better life for her daughter

By Annemaria (Ireland)

I am a 41 year old mother of two. I grew up in Dublin City centre. And I grew up around drugs all my life. I started very young and I’ve been on drugs over 20 years. When I was using, I gave my kids up to their grandparents in a voluntary care plan six years ago. It was very hard to build up the relationship with them, but thank God, I began to work with the system and social workers. It was the toughest thing I ever done.

Last month my daughter came to me and said, “Mammy I don’t want to live in my granny’s anymore”. She wouldn’t go home and she wanted to live with me. I’m not in a great place at the moment. I’m really not. And I tell her, “Love, I’m just not in a good place” and she says, “But I’ll still go to school and I’ll still…..”. You see, there’s structure up there for her and she didn’t want any structure. Now she has really good friends, really strong friends where she is. She is only 10 minutes away. And I don’ want her to lose all that, all that hard work.

So I had to sit in at a meeting with the grandparents, my daughter’s social worker, the team leader, a lot of people! I was on my own. I had nobody. My nerves were gone, I was very anxious. But what was said was, “Where does the child want to live?” My daughter was telling me that things weren’t going well up there for her. She wanted to be with me. I said all this to the social workers.

But at the meeting I put my hand up and I said, “Look, I’m not in a great place” in front of them all.

And as a mother that took an awful lot to put my hand up in front of all the ‘boots and suits’ as I call them — the social workers, the team leaders and all — to say I am not in a great place.

I don’t want to ruin my daughter’s life. But it took every piece of my being to be able to put my hand up and say I needed help, I can’t look after my 17 year-old daughter for now. I can’t. And that’s a big step for me, as I want to be able to get clean again.

I can understand any mothers out there that are addicts and they are afraid to say, “Listen, I can’t do this” because they’re afraid their children will be taken off them, because that’s what can happen sometimes. If I spoke to another mother, I’d say work with the system, rather than against it. My daughter is 17 now and she can come to visit me. It’s just about getting a safe plan around her so she’s not here if I have a slip or anything, you know what I mean? I know that in most cases, they’re afraid to put up their hand because the child could get taken. So it’s a catch-22 situation for these mothers.

There is no good in asking for help when it’s too late. You’ve no one around you and you are in a clinic and you are slipping. But if you ask for help, then your children can be taken from you. You are very vulnerable.

I need the strength to do the work again to get clean. I want it so bad, but I know the work it takes.

I want to do this for myself and live life to the fullest. I want to get my spirit back. To be the woman I want to be.

I have my kids, ATD Fourth World and what’s left of my family egging me on. I can and will do this.

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